Marilyn;
Your endlessly repetitive inquiries if I would be “ok” were so insistent and relentless I was unable to respond. As the kids might well say, “No, I am not good with that.” You going off on some so called “business trip” with your friend “Michael” (who as far as I can tell doesn’t have job at all) is most unseemly. What kind of business trip does an unemployed person go on I ask? I watch enough daytime television  while you are out to have a very clear picture of what your “business trip” will consist of.
I understand your not taking me to Las Vegas, and frankly I was just as glad not to go. The very thought of that city at nose level is revolting. What I do find disturbing is the haphazard arrangements you have made for me in your absence. I could stay with your ex for example. Steve was always such a thoughtful and kind man, (unlike this “Michael” you seem to hold in such high and undeserved regard). I am quite sure Steve would be more than willing to have me stay the week. He lives on a farm in Connecticut for God’s sake! We could frolic in the autumn leaves together and dare I say, I might even chase bunnies! But rather you have chosen to board me at “Happy Dale Acres” What a misnomer! Who ever heard of a kennel on the twenty third floor of an office building in mid-town. There are no “dales”, no ”acres”, and I for one am not happy. The overwhelming smell of copy-machine toner, comings and goings at all hours, and elevators that make strange unsettling noises have left me sleepless and unable to eat (not that any dog with a home would eat what is offered here).
When you return I feel it would be in the best interests of our relationship to discuss this and other matters further. We have had many good times together over the years, and these shared memories I hold dear. My desire, my hope, is that we may return to a relationship where in we once again regard each other as “partners and companions” on life’s road. I wish for us to stand on an equal footing, your two to my four, as we share time together mutually interned on this plane of existence.

I await your response;

Spinoza,
Jack-Russell Terrier
Happy Dale Acres Kennel
Musgrave Building
NYC, NY

dictated to Doug Mathewson

Dateline Hollywood :

Hollywood ’s A, B, and C lists turned out last night for a gala fund raiser
coinciding with the release of the Mira-Maxx’s production “King Kong VII”.
Many original works of art were donated to benefit Hollywood ’s “Home for
The Visually Unpleasant Program”. Unquestionable the largest piece was an
amazing work donated by Paris Hilton! This three story high installation piece of the
mighty ape was made entirely of underpants Ms. Hilton had lost or discarded
while attending various red-carpet events this fall. With bejeweled thong eyes,
shimmering silk panty teeth, and comic “hello-kitty” flannel fingers this imposing
sight was certainly a crowd pleaser! Paris kindly removed the hot-pink pair of skimpy
boy-shorts she was wearing for photographers, adding them to the sculpture.
Noted Jovian commentator Mumpart Blagghart remarked “for a skinny assed woman, she has such a big heart.”

by-Doug Mathewson